Death 3

A few words about the person who has led me towards contemplating the final exit.


I have had more than my share of heartaches and break-ups. None of them felt like this. Like the cutting away of a limb or a life-giving vein with blood flowing out silently, in a rush - much like the river of tears which run from my eyes.


I met him when I was just getting over a particularly hard phase of my life. I had been sick and then my father fell mortally ill. I had to see to his treatment when I was puking up anything and everything that I ate. I got my treatment done only after father was back home from the hospital. But by that time, the medicines did not take effect and I spent a weekend feeling that I was already dead and in hell. I got my surgery done that very same week and then things slowly started to get into place. I stopped communicating with the man who had abandoned me during such a difficult time and went back to my project work with gusto. Notably, I had lost 4 kgs of weight through this ordeal.


My special one belonged to my project team. We started going out for drinks, movies etc. with other members of the team and on one drunken night, he spoke his mind. Four of us from the team went for a beach vacation a few weekends after. He was morose and depressed - I had not confessed yet. I did - a few days later. I told him that when I had been recovering from my difficult time, I had trouble falling asleep. I had looked for a familiar friendly comforting face to give to my pillow. And he had been the one who appeared in my mind's eye. And I was able to fall asleep soundly from that day onwards. I told him that I had fallen for him about the same time he had but I was afraid due to the numerous bad experiences that I had in the not too far past.


We started going out by ourselves after this and came close to each other. He started dropping me home every night that the team went out to drinks and dinner. And the status quo continued. There was something he wanted to do with his life and there was something I wanted to do with mine - and from my viewpoint, these did not clash with each other. They could go hand in hand and we charted out a future course for ourselves. Days and months passed. I got a new job and put down my papers. The time had come to start work on the future course. And here, the rhythm broke. He started getting confused instead of getting started on the work plan. And the more he got confused, the more my anxiety grew. The fights had gotten more frequent as the day for my departure drew closer.


I spent the afternoon before my last day in Kolkata at his mess. He dropped me home and came to see me off at the airport early morning next day. Two weeks later, I was back in Kolkata to take the kid and the parents to Mumbai. And it was his birthday. He was at a friend's place. I went over with cake. I will never forget the way he kept looking at me. He stole glances and smiled to himself - I was like an exotic bird that he had kept for a pet - fully expecting me to fly away the next morning but there I was - still with him - wanting to be with him. He dropped me home.
I met him the next day at one of the bars close to the office. He dropped me home but his friend accompanied us all the way and I was not able to say goodbye properly.


He called me almost every night and we spoke for at least an hour everyday. This spot of time was the most precious to me in the course of the whole day. I used to come home from office, take my bath, have my dinner and wait by the window side for his call. Almost every other day, I started asking him when he would come visit me. And he never answered. We made a tentative plan to visit Goa but he called it off citing monetary concern. And slowly, my anxiety began to build up again. If he still loved me the way he did when I was in Kolkata, why was he so apathetic towards my need to be with him? Almost every other night, either I could not sleep or I was crying myself to sleep.
I was crying the daytime too. Amidst immense pressure at work, I was trying to stop myself from disintegrating. I was trying my best not to lose patience with the constantly cribbing parents and out of control kid.


We spoke about taking a break quite a few times - sometimes, he did. Sometimes, I did.
He mentioned it last week and I agreed. Only to break away and reach out to him the next day in office. His thoughts were overpowering my mind and I was unable to get any work done. He responded positively and we went back to speaking every night again. Last night, we had another showdown. We said goodbye at 3:00 AM but were awake till 4:00 AM. Today morning, I pinged him and told him that we should take the break. And I am out of my mind since then. Why did I do what I did? That is for another post.