Life 1

Waking up every morning wishing I were dead. There is nothing to look forward to - no friends, no exciting work. Stubborn kid and disapproving parents. Does not mean that I was unaffected when I got sharp pains last night on the side of my chest where my heart resides. I do not have the luxury of dying. I am a single parent of a young kid. I have to be around. Even when I am dead inside.

I was reading an article the other day which resonated with something that I have always believed in. You need something to look forward to. Not long term like kid graduating from college or getting married. But short term - like a vacation, a weekend getaway, a family function, friends/family visiting, birthdays, anniversaries. I have had none of these for a really long time. And what bothers me most is having a person who understands the root of my unhappiness and restlessness, is capable of making a difference but yet, does nothing about it. We talk over phone almost every night but he never says what I need to hear. Maybe, deep in his heart he has his exit strategy planned out. It will just take one confrontation from my side to put it into execution. What am I afraid of? To formalize my fear? To lose what I never had? Like my dear friend S pointed out, I believe in illusions now. I believe them to be the reality. I am extremely vulnerable at this point of time and I wish I could put myself in an impenetrable box.